So I’m six and a half years into the journey that is parenthood. While there are obviously many common experiences and emotions that bind parents together through the ages, it’s the differences that are often the most fascinating. I love hearing my mom and mother-in-law talk about their childhood and what it was like raising their own children. It’s nearly impossible for me to imagine a time when diaper services were common and car seats not so much. Or when breastfeeding was discouraged in favor of “high-tech” formula! There were no home pregnancy tests, ultrasounds, or NICUs (My very premature uncle was sent home to die. My paternal grandfather built an incubator and devised a feeding system that ultimately saved his life. It’s worth noting that over fifty years later, my uncle’s stem cells would save my dad’s life!) The daunting task of ironing everything (sheets, too?!), the lack of automatic dishwashers, the rarity of a TV….I could go on and on.
I thought it might be fun and interesting to take note of the current parenting trends and obsessions.
On technology
I feel like I have to start with technology because I believe it contributes to the number one challenge of parenthood in this day: information overload via the Internet. You’ll see a definite trend as you continue to read.
First, the pros of today’s technology are numerous. I would be an idiot not to appreciate all of the ways technological advances make our life safer (cars with airbags, backup cameras, traction control, etc.), improve communication (cell phones and the Internet), preserve life (medical devices, 911 call tracing, etc.), and entertain (iTunes, Netflix, iPads, DVD players in the car, etc.). Mothers share their daily ups and downs with friends scattered across the country via Facebook. It’s a one-stop shop for all of your parenting questions and the reassurance that you are not alone. Baby monitors, bottle warmers, automatic breast pumps, and a host of apps to help you keep track of data on your baby may seem silly but are certainly convenient. I readily admit that having Curious George available at the time that best suits our (my) needs is awesome.
Now to the cons. This generation of mothers has a love/hate relationship with all of this technology. The biggest concerns center around our children. What is the impact of this technology on them? Should I be proud or terrified that my 4-year old can operate an iPhone better than I can? What are screens doing to their brains? We now refer to “screen time” instead of “TV time” because for many kids, TV is really not the problem. It’s iPads and iPhones that they are using most often. With schools embracing iPads and handing them out to every student, the full impact of reading on a screen versus paper is just starting to be revealed. So far, the results aren’t impressive. A DVD player in the car on a road trip seems like a gift straight from heaven. But a DVD player on in the car while you’re running errands? Not so much.
By the time my children read this, I suspect we’ll know the answers to these troubling questions. In the meantime, moms vary widely on this issue. I know some whose kids spend many hours in front of a screen, some who shun screens almost entirely, and others (like us) who try to find some middle ground. In gatherings of moms, the topic of screen time is broached cautiously and rarely. There is shame if you think your policy is too loose and barely concealed judgment if you employ a strict no-screen policy.
On safety
Theoretically, our children are the safest they have ever been in history. Our homes are child-proofed, children strapped into safety-tested child seats until their teen years, helmets worn when riding anything that moves, playgrounds stripped of dangerous equipment, and toys rigorously tested and frequently recalled.
And yet we are a terrified generation of parents. The benefits of Facebook listed in the above section are nearly erased by the heart-stopping articles posted by well-meaning friends. I never knew there were so many ways for my children to die. I finally had to stop clicking on articles about extremely rare causes of deaths (e.g. The story of a three year old who died when her dresser fell on her in the middle of the night. Yes, all of ours are anchored now, but I was consumed with fear until they were.) and focus on those that actually provide helpful information about common scenarios (e.g. An article on the myths surrounding drowning and ways to identify someone at risk.).
Perhaps the trickiest element of our children’s safety these days is that our choices are not made in isolation. Others bear witness to what we allow or don’t allow our children to do. Sometime, it results in a simple scolding, gasp, or head shake of disbelief (as in when I naively told a few friends that our toddlers have always enjoyed riding in the baby seat on the back of Paul’s bike; apparently, this is very dangerous). However, in this age of technology, a difference of opinion over risk can result in police involvement and/or loss of custody. Terrifying stories abound of strangers turning parents into the police. Everyone has a camera, and everyone has read those articles on Facebook that I refuse to read.
What this produces is a group of parents who want to buck the trend of over-protection but are fearful of doing so because of public perception. We lug all three children into the post office for a 1 minute errand to buy stamps. We never let our children outside alone without a fence. We hesitate to talk about our choices with anybody else. We know somebody is always watching. I predict, though, that by the time my grandchildren are here, this trend will have gone one of two extremely opposite ways: all of these restraints will be cast aside in favor of a more free-range childhood or children’s clothing will be made of bubble wrap.
On diet, health, and “ethical living”
There is no parenting topic today that is more divisive than what food and medicine we put into our children. Everybody is obsessed with a “pure” and “all-natural” lifestyle, except nobody can agree on exactly what that means. Organic, gluten-free, vegetarian, vegan, free-range, grass-fed, sugar-free, whole grain, nut-free, locally sourced, sustainable, etc., etc. are just a few of the dizzying choices facing parents today. Just when you think you’ve heard them all, a new “possible link” or “worrisome study” will flood the news shows or pop up repeatedly in your News Feed.
This worry over purity extends to the mattresses on which our children sleep (Are they chemical-free? What exactly are they bathing in all night long?); what they drink out of (Are their bottles or sippy cups BPA free? Is glass or aluminum better than BPA-free plastic?); what they wear (Are the clothes made using slave labor? Are the materials organic?); and what toys they play with (Are they locally made or hand-crafted by independent business owners in impoverished countries? Are they made using recycled materials?). You might think I am exaggerating, but I promise I am not.
Of course, many of the above concerns are well-intentioned. The desire is to offer the healthiest start possible to our children. However, the end result is often harsh dividing lines and outspoken judgment whenever a disagreement is found. The Internet also allows all sorts of unhealthy or downright wrong ideas to gain an audience and spread like wildfire. The anti-vaccination movement is the clearest example of this phenomenon.
For me the biggest loss is in the area of hospitality and basic manners. I have had more than one friend confess that they avoid inviting people over for dinner or avoid certainly families specifically because of their extreme views on diet and health. Of course, we all have great sympathy and are happy to accommodate those with genuine food allergies. But to feel the pressure to offer an organic, locally sourced meal that my family can’t afford is ridiculous. I have even had the pleasure of being corrected in the produce section of Ingles when I selected non-organic apples over organic. A lady helpfully informed me in front of my children, “Did you know that organic apples are much better for your children?” I calmly responded, “Why, yes, they might be. Unfortunately, I can’t afford them.” She looked unconvinced. It took everything within me not to say a whole lot more!
I sincerely hope these extreme views will be tempered dramatically as the years go by. No mother should feel embarrassed by the limits of her budget or sweat over whether the birthday party menu will satisfy everybody’s “needs.”
On moderation
Where do we fall on all of these issues? We strive for moderation. I am inherently skeptical of bandwagons, so thankfully those are rarely tempting to me. I also believe a lot of these “lifestyles” are built on a false sense of control (As in, if my family avoids a certain food or never watches TV, then ______ won’t happen and _______ will happen.). If only life were that simple!
The boys rarely (as in monthly or at the pediatrician’s office if I have to drag them all with me) play on an iPad, do use iPods for music, and watch an average of 1.5 hours of TV a day (spread out; much less for Ryan since he’s in school full-time). There are hours spent outdoors in our fenced backyard while I’m in the house listening to the sounds of happy play and peeking out the window occasionally. I do read food labels but shop almost exclusively at Aldi and Walmart. If organic products are similarly priced as non-organic, I’ll buy them. I avoid bringing up many of these issues in mom groups unless we are all of similar minds and budgets. I’ve learned even a healthy debate leads nowhere!
I know the world my grandchildren grow up in will be so very different! For the sake of my daughters and daughters-in-law, I hope they avoid the pitfalls of information overload and strike a happy balance within own their families.
No comments:
Post a Comment