In my recent post on why we are homeschooling this year, I mentioned an important puzzle piece that I discovered in regards to parenting (and teaching) Ryan. I hesitated to even bring it up on the blog, but it might be enlightening for others as well. It has also produced a great sense of relief on my part - “You mean, I am not a failure as a mother?”
Ryan is a Highly Sensitive Person. It turns out I am also a Highly Sensitive Person, as is Miles and likely Abby.
You may feel free to roll your eyes at this point. It’s a label (gasp!). It’s just an excuse (gasp!). It’s made up (gasp!). I know what you’re thinking because I thought all of those things when I first heard the term, too. In fact, I avoided even purchasing the book for at least a year. I read about it on a blog, rolled my eyes, and moved on. Then I started homeschooling Ryan and trying to unravel the complexities of his little personality. As I mentioned previously, ADD or ADHD wasn’t a good fit. He does not have Asperger’s, a sensory processing disorder, or a learning disability.
So, in a bit of desperation, I finally bought the book The Highly Sensitive Child. I took the test for Ryan and Miles, who both scored a 17/23. I scored a 19/23. Abby demonstrates many of the traits, too, but nailing down a toddler is a tricky business. I wasn’t far into my reading before I knew this was going to be incredibly helpful for our family. No, there is no medication or therapy or formal diagnostic process. There is: affirmation (You are not crazy.), advice (These approaches help with these common problems.), and encouragement (It will get easier.).
What is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)? There are many online resources that define it well, but put simply it is someone who takes in more information and processes that information more deeply. This depth of processing easily leads to overstimulation of the senses, resulting in emotional overload and physical fatigue. For a child, whose world regularly involves the new and unfamiliar, this is particularly significant.
As I looked at Ryan and thought over his early childhood, this explains so much! Why…
*he screams as if burned when eating warm (not hot) food.
*as a two year old, he cried when we got new curtains in the living room.
*his teachers always said, “He knows what every student in the classroom is doing at all times.”
*he can only tolerate one to two errands/ activities in a day.
*missing even one nap as a toddler (or hour of sleep a week now) impacts him noticeably and negatively.
*seven hours a day at school, five days a week led to afternoon meltdowns.
*he needs lots of downtime at home, even though he genuinely loves people and outings.
*from toddlerhood, he told me clearly if a show or movie was too scary or intense and needed to be turned off. These were “safe” shows, enjoyed regularly by children of the same age.
*watching the first five minutes of the movie Pocahontas (without our knowledge) impacted his sleep for two weeks afterwards.
*the days or weeks before a holiday, vacation, birthday, etc. are fraught with high emotion and hyperactive behavior.
If you are wondering how to differentiate the traits of an HSP from those of shyness, introversion, anxiety, diagnosable disorders, etc., this page might help. Thanks to my experiences in the classroom (and as a HSP myself?), I am able to see the subtle differences more easily. For example, Ryan’s hyperactive behavior is clearly connected to overstimulation, fatigue, or the anticipation of a special event. An ADHD child is hyperactive in virtually all settings but particularly those where attention is required the most. Ryan will take note of and express dissatisfaction with the uncomfortable seams of his socks, but a child with Asperger’s will focus on the seams obsessively until the problem is solved.
What are the practical implications of identifying my children or myself as a HSP?
1. It affirms many of the parenting decisions I reached through trial and error: a carefully balanced schedule, prioritizing sleep, lots of talking through new situations, and even homeschooling. I did not make my children this way (other than genetically, I suppose!); I responded to who they are. Many times I have been told that I just need to “relax” and my children will be more relaxed, too. I even tried to lead the lives of other families – days bursting with activity, skipped naps, and no routine – and the results were misery for us all.
2. Paul, who is not a HSP, has benefited tremendously from understanding what his children are bothered by and why. Ryan’s overreaction to injury is because he genuinely feels more pain than others might under the same circumstances. The meltdown an hour before the big birthday party is anticipated. He now knows the reasons behind the high emotions in our home!
3. We have the tools to help Ryan understand himself better when he is ready. In the meantime, we can have sympathy while also addressing behaviors that need to be changed. Yes, he may be in intense physical pain after stubbing his toe, but screaming hysterically is an inappropriate response. Being a HSP is not an excuse for inappropriate behavior! We can also confidently continue to protect him from books, movies, and experiences that would be overstimulating and counterproductive. Hopefully, as an adult, he will apply this knowledge to his life in helpful ways.
While it might feel like being a HSP is largely negative after reading the above, HSPs have many wonderful traits due to their increased awareness of other’s needs and emotions. The book is actually quite encouraging in its tone and reassuring examples. God’s creation speaks of His love for variety, and the traits of my children are certainly no exception! I trust His wisdom in piecing us together.
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